Hello, we are live and I am excited guys for today because Julie Skolnick is here, and I just I just told her the story. Once we actually booked the interview, I told her a great friend of mine that Julie is coming on. And she's a longtime, you know, gifted educator like, and it seems a huge fan year long fan years long fan of Julie and she could not believe that she was coming live. So I'm excited to have this interview today with Julie, do you want to shortly introduce yourself? What do you want people to know? And then we'll hop in.
Sure. Thank you, Geraldine. I'm so glad to be here with everybody today and I am Julie Skolnick. I'm the founder of with understanding comms COMM A lot of people when they hear that go, oh, I would like some of that. So if you're one of those people I'm here for you with understanding comes calm. It doesn't mean that I don't have any passion because you know, I might not see but weathers any comes calm and I guide parents of gifted and distractible or what's known as two we and twice exceptional on the research. Children. I also trained teachers and I even mentor to the adults because we don't outgrow the to Enos anyway, head over to with understanding comes Calm, calm at your leisure. And you'll learn all about me and what I do.
Awesome. And we got lots of questions for you today we've collected from our community, we had so many roll in their comments. So one of the first questions that came in that's, for me personally honest, I was reading one of your blogs about the elephant in the room, where it's about managing your own expectations versus your child's you know, schooling. So what advice do you have for parents? Because I relate to that a lot? Where, yeah, it's my expectations come in my way or in my emotions towards my kid. So what was your intention with the article? And what do we take out from that?
So funny story, that article was actually written, when foolishly I thought we might be going back to normal. And it was like, Okay, how are we going to do that the transition of all transitions, guys, but it's still so relevant to everything we do every day of our lives, whether we're just managing expectations for our kids to get up in the morning and out of the house, or whether we're homeschooling parents, and we're expecting our kids to do something and it goes a totally different direction. You know, all of these things that we have in our heads that we think are so super clear, not all the time do our do we actually communicate them very specifically and appropriately to our kids. So first and foremost, if we're talking about transitions, right, the first and foremost thing to think about is the biggest priority always and when can you use the word always, almost never. But the biggest priority is relationships is what I'm about to say or do gonna do something negative to my relationship, my relationship with my child, my relationship with my partner or spouse, my relationship with my employer, my relationship with my friend. When we get into Geraldine our amygdala, that that primitive brain, the feelings and emotion center, it's like if there was a road between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex, huge roadblock close up, right, like we can't get here. And so we have to really kind of prioritize, take a deep breath, think about, okay, what matters? What are the priorities? And how does this affect the relationship?
So when I understand you correctly, it's in those moments where the emotions go to the amygdala, where you actually then start asking, because of your expectations that are not met, that you ask yourself the question, what matters most here?
Yeah, that's part of it. And by the way, have I taken the time to make sure my kid or the person I'm interacting with actually knows what my expectations are? I do an exercise with clients. It's called the expectations sheet or worksheet and they put like, what are the expectations on one side for home and for school? And what's actually happening right like expectations simple expectation is they'll wake up and get out of bed and brush their teeth. And what's happening instead is their totally bypassing, refusing to brush their teeth and what but have you made the expectation clear that brushing teeth is supposed to happen before you come downstairs? Have you actually said This is a very simple example. Other examples I just literally finished with a client this morning talking about a child was taking a gap year, and trying to have the conversation about what are the expectations around that idea of the gap, like how much has to be structured. And so when I work with parents, I have a worksheet I take parents through called the parent vocabulary, and it talks about responsibilities, personal and professional, or personal and familial in the child's case, and then privileges and then expectations around both. So there are expectations around privileges. If you have an older child who has a phone, you probably have expectations about how and who they're texting, but have you made them clear. And then when we talk about expectations, I talked about clear, concise, consistent, and most importantly, appropriate for your two weekend. So I just gave you a whole huge answer that like represents a whole bunch of sessions. But anyway, there it is.
So, so I love that idea. And like several situations actually come to mind very honestly and humbly. Where that specifically happened, where I was like, oh, did I communicate that expectation? I didn't. So I kind of have to back track myself. How often do you would you expect or advise parents to make such a sheet? Is that like, you know, one time per year just for reflection? Are you like when you just happen to be, you know, one time to get your awareness? Or do you? Would you say it, hey, do it more routinely?
It's a great question. So backing up one step further. If you are single parenting, or you have a spouse or a partner, I recommend you take 15 minutes to a half an hour to have the parents planning meeting weekly, Sunday night, maybe? And what do you do? You talk about, what do we have to do this week? What do we want to do this week? And what are the logistics around it? And then what, what one, or maybe two expectations do we want to make sure are met? Like we have to make this really realistic? And it's super important, again, when you're setting expectations clear, concise, consistent, and appropriate. So yeah, regularly.
Yeah, I love that. Because I already do the scheduling every single week. I agree with you. That's a game changer. And I asked the question, what went well, you know, what, what, where were we uncomfortable? And what are we planning for next week? But I'm definitely going to take this quick because we I never actually asked that question. But you can anticipate right you can anticipate start to anticipate a lot of troubles in that week, because you clearly defined one expectation. So I love that. Well, what's
cool is I think that you interpreted what I said in a different way than I meant to say it. And but maybe not I meant to say and both are right. Yours is like the higher level part two part one is parents come together and talk about what they have and what they have to do and want to do. And what are the logistics? Who's driving? Who were who needs to be there who needs the thing, right? And that's executive functioning skills, guys. So what you're saying Geraldine is brilliant. And it's part two, it's then sitting down at the dinner table or wherever in the car and saying, Hey, what do you have this week? What do you want to do? What do you want to get done? What do you have to get done? Well, how are you going to do all that? How are you going to manage the time let's move back, right, that chunking all those cool, awesome skills we want our kids to learn? We can do it and actually have it matter, literally for the week.
Okay, I have two paths. I want to follow right now. So I'll, I'll come back to the executive functions. I'd love to talk about that part more. The first question, because you mentioned it before is the transition, right? The transition, because we might, we might actually now have that transition back to quote unquote, like normal social life, like, and we actually already had kids inside our community have or parents have that concern of after such a long time, their children getting out of their bubble, and and that's very overwhelming to them. So how would you approach this topic that you know, you can make that smooth transition?
Well, I'm not sure I'm gonna say smooth. I'm not 100% Sure it's gonna be smooth. But here's what I would avoid. I would Avoid saying things like, it's good for you. You need to, you should. Okay, so let's just like back it up guys, because we are in a place where no man's ever gone before, or in this weird time. So let's like adjust expectations a little bit. Um, and Okay, so first of all, just exactly what I said before focus on the relationship. Okay? Think about kindness priorities, what really matters, and then sort of toe dipping what I'm gonna call toe dipping, right? Like, don't jump all in, I gotta tell you, I one of the most social extroverted people I know. And I went to my first party this past weekend, and I was like, Whoa, there are a lot of people here. And I need to talk to them all. And I'm not really sure how to do that. So, you know, like, I'm telling you, if I would, that was really shocking to me. So what did I do, I kind of took stock, I sort of stopped. I lessened my expectations of always having to talk to everybody. And I just kind of breezed. And I thought, You know what, I'm gonna have a couple of comfortable conversations and go deep. And that's gonna be good enough. You know? So with our kids, I think if you can start to schedule playdates at home safely, and really structure them, ask your child, what do you think you want to do? What are the three things you want to do? How will you make sure you do something your friend wants to do? Will you ask them and I'm really, Geraldine, I'm really into pivoting from telling our kids what to do to asking our kids, what do they want to do? What do they think should happen? Asking much more than telling, because they're solving their own problems, then, in which case, it's gonna go better. And just really container container container. So no, for our playdates for the first time, you know, like maybe an hour with an out, maybe, you know, tell the parent, I'm going to call it let's talk at our end, see how it's going. Just be really thoughtful, because we cannot all of a sudden go back to the way it was two years later, two years is a huge amount of time in our kids development.
Agree, Agree. And so being on the topic of making it very structured for the kids, that leads me to the next question of when do we as parents, stop being the planter for our kids, talking about the you know, the other kind of transition where our kids want to be independent? Our kids want to do their work on the one side, on the other side, it's, you know, how much do I still as a parent, are, they're operating with them, you know, planning their lessons being next to them while they do their lessons. Like, there's a big balance going on between, between these two sides I see in our community, as well as other parents. So how would you approach that transition that kids want to, at some point in age, want to become independent, and we want them independent, right. But on the other side, they still need us to structure and build those executive functioning skills. So how would you approach that?
So that's the, you know, $20 million question of balance. And so first of all, one recommendation I make to all of my parents who are homeschooling is that they literally wear a different hat. When you are in teacher school mode, literally wear different clothing than you wear for the rest of the day of mom time or dad time. Either you have a different hands literally that you where there's some delineating factor that you are now teacher role, as opposed to parent. So that's number one is creating even those visual boundaries. And then, you know what, here's the hardest part. The hardest part is letting our kids fail. Yep, I said it. So hit your friends are choices, giving your kids choices. The more agency you give them, in other words, control over their own destiny. If something goes awry, and they don't make a deadline, they miss something they then you unpack it. This is a life lesson. This is how we learn how to do life. So hey, what went well? What what do you think you'll do next time without any judgment? Like, you know, like I told you if you didn't, weren't you supposed Why didn't you write we all fall into that trap? And it's not helpful, right? It's frustrating because we're frustrated because we're like so used to being The frontal lobe for everybody. But if you want somebody else to take on the frontal lobe, we got to let them make that pathway from their amygdala into their frontal lobe. So I can't tell you specifically when you're 13 years old? No, it depends. It depends. I have, you know, three to eight kids who I raise, and one is almost 21, one's almost 19, one just turned 13. And the 13 year old has been super independent, since he was teeny tiny, and the others took a little bit longer. And then they're independent in other ways. So you see what the strengths are you absolutely if they can be independent, allow them to be and take stuff. Why, why why does this matter so much to you? Does it matter for a reason that's good for your kid? Or is it because you're like, basing it on somebody else's timeline?
And when parents ask themselves, which I find a very good question on why does it actually matter that much to myself? What's the next step that comes?
I asked your child, does this matter to you? And why?
And when they say, No, it doesn't matter. But it's very important for the parents.
Well, okay, so that again. So first of all, unlike Geraldine and I, who are having this lovely conversation, and we know we're gonna sit here and talk with each other for a while, you might not be able to do that with your gifted or to a kid. So you have to adjust even the expectations about how you're having a conversation. So the conversation might be multiple conversations, multiple micro conversations over time. And so you might say, rather than, well, if you don't do this, this will happen. Or if you do this, this, you might ask the question like so if you let go of this, what do you think will there be any ramifications will any doesn't matter to you? Like I can imagine, like, this is me parents say, I can imagine which is nice and conditional. That maybe if you don't do that, I'm just gonna wonder how x y and z is gonna play out. Just planting a seed plant seeds, guys plant seeds, don't don't expect the whole plant to grow, you know, you got to plant the seeds, it will be a stronger plant.
So what communication problems to use the most in common in two he kids kind of saying with the executive funk, right, the executive functions. We talked about several issues there. But what which communication problem do you see most often happening?
So if I'm understanding correctly, the thing that is popping into my brain is, you know, this total inability or non desire for small talk. social niceties, you know, our kids want things to be in are to be grownups and gifted. Grownups want things to be meaningful and important, and not fluff. So oftentimes, our two people relate better with children who are younger, or children who are older, or adults, because they're either fascinating to little kids and can teach them or they're fascinated by older people, or older people can keep up with them. So it's really important that we focus more on interest peers than age peers, for our two kids talking about communication. The other thing is, with all of the sensory superpowers, I'm going to say cuz I love to positively reframe, with all of the sensory superpowers our kids have, very often I will tell parents this very easy strategy, which is if you find yourself calling your child's name 45 times and they're not answering, or they get really jarred by it, use your friend, the sticky note, write down dinner in five, and hand it to them without even using words. Yeah, because our kids are, you know, when they are in the mode of thinking and, and, and learning like the worst thing in the world is for them to be interrupted. And then they're disrespectful, we think but actually, they're just kind of reacting.
Yep, yep. Oh my god, I'm just imagining putting, we're gonna have definitely sticker sticky notes a lot more because I want that, to
me, is kind of a cool thing. If you're in the middle of something and somebody, you know, my door to my office is over there. So if somebody walks in and starts talking, I'm like, in the middle of a thought, hang on, you know, and hopefully I'm I'm not mean, but sometimes I might think, because I'm
I get that Like, especially if you're in the moments when you're in flow. And then people come in and like we, and I find it funny, we as parents, we can relate a lot to that, because we hate to be interrupted ourselves when we're in flow. But on the other side, I guess we do it quite often with our kids, if even unintentional, and then we're just like, well just take it, I'm here.
Right? Because we are paying attention, understandably, to our schedule. And for some neurotypical kids, that's fine. They can adjust and be flexible, but flexible is not an adjective I hear often describing to kids just
so how would you start building executive functioning skills so that they actually start are able to plan, you know, take over their own project? You mentioned that some, you know, of course, some kids are more inclined to do it from themselves? Do you see that as something that you continuously work through or see in kids that you can, okay, do this and this to build executive functioning skills? Because there's so many that this is a challenging area?
Yeah, so it's for sure and ongoing skill building, right, we know that our two kids very typically have lagging skills. So we know it's an ongoing skill building area that you're gonna have to be talking about. We also know that you've probably I'm just going to say, I don't have cameras in your homes, but I'm going to say you've probably fought over this, there's probably been some power struggle over executive functioning some frustrations and emotionally charged conversations. Therefore, there has to be a little bit of unlearning, that happens before you can then go full on to start doing the executive functioning training. And by the way, you know, as a homeschool parent, then executive functioning does fall within sort of your wheelhouse. If you are a parent whose child goes to school, outside of the home, then I actually do not really think it is your job to teach your kid executive functioning. That being said, teachers are never taught how to teach executive functioning. So Julie, where does it land? Okay. Here's the thing, right? I just, you just took a trip in my brain, we all just walked around my brain for a minute. And that's how I mean, you know, complex kids complex thoughts. So when we want to teach executive functioning skills, first of all, it's great experientially. So when I do my talk on executive functioning skills. I will recommend to parents and teachers to do a really fun activity, like for instance, making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So the grown up Yeah, no, I love it. Wait, wait. You're all gonna do this at home. The grown up is the doer and the child is the color. So you tell the child tell me how to make a peanut butter jelly sandwich. Well, the child's gonna say okay, take out the peanut butter, put it on the bread. You're gonna take the bag of bread. You're gonna get your peanut butter used to get right on that loaf of bread. Haha, everybody laughs kid says alright, mom, fine. Open the bag, take out the bread, open the peanut butter, put the peanut butter on the bread. Now you're gonna take your hand, you're sticking in that peanut butter journey and put it on the piece of bread you took out of the bag. Because these are executive This is breaking down the steps step by step. It's the same thing as writing. This is how we teach writing. It's the steps, the whole and the parts are kids typically can look at parts and not so much the whole. So executive functioning, I want you to have fun teaching executive functioning. Um, I want you to ask questions. How will you do that? What's your plan? I want to have a friend sleepover. Okay, so what do you need to do? Well, I just want them to come over. Okay, so well, how will they know that right? Oh, so I'm gonna call my friend. Okay. What does the parent need? I mean, anything you do is executive functioning planning steps, right? Prioritizing, initiating following through all of those executive functioning. So as much as you can incorporate it without for instance. You know, most people think executive functioning training is like colored folders and timelines. And like, that is part of it. But it's super important to just really think about why do we use these executive functions? I can you tell me any teenager who has executive functioning challenges and if I asked them, How is their music organized in their device, I promise you it's by genre, or maybe it's by artist. or maybe there is a way that they've organized. So I'm going to tap into that. Or maybe I'm going to say, Okay, we have to do XY and Z today. Songs are typically three and a half to four minutes long. How many songs do you think it's going to take you to? What do you see how teaching these executive functioning skills, tapping into what they love what they know, or fun, entertainment, is a much better way. And then to look back and say, wow, you know what? You realize that you had one song to get ready and get downstairs for breakfast and you got out of bed, you made your bed, you brushed your teeth, you washed your face. And now we're just noticing all the good stuff.
So what would you do? You said before actually starting the training for the executive functioning that you first have to unlearn a lot? So what are things that parents actually have to unlearn? Is that the expectations like write down your expectations? I'm expecting that one. So what what habits do parents actually have to unlearn before even?
Yeah, so first of all, on the expectations, you can write them down for yourself. But again, you want to ask your kids, what do you think the expectations are around that? Because the more they create those pads in their brains, the more sticky this the strategy, you have to unlearn telling them what to do. You might have to unlearn, giving a checklist. Kids hate the checklist, unless they want the checklist have made the checklist are the ones who chose where the checklist goes, I promise you that checklist is a little bit of a thorn in their side. Because it's kind of like, easy things are hard and hard things are easy for our kids. And it's very frustrating that a synchrony for them. So I have to unlearn. I am the frontal lobe for the family. That's super hard, really, really hard. That's that letting go letting little micro failures happen. Um, I also think so when I talk to parents and teachers about executive functioning, I give them something called the GPS or the Guide for Parents success. And it's like a list of things to make sure you know, from your teacher or what your expectations are. In other words, how much time should be spent on homework, this assignment? Who can we reach out to where my child can reach out to for help? If we want to separate it from being in a homeschool situation? Me, the parent, the teacher? Where can he find the links that are important for him to or her to learn what they need to learn? And then having those things readily available? Like why do we have to search all the time for all the stuff? Now, there's a guide for student success, too, which is helping the child advocate for themselves to ask you, even if it's your parent, what do you what information do you need to know to be successful? Remember, you're wearing a different hat when you're a teacher? So tell your child to advocate on behalf of themselves to their teacher? Who happens to be mom or dad? So in other words, okay, teach? Where do I find this? What link? What are the expectations? How much time should I be spending on this? These are all really good questions for your child to know that they can and should ask you.
I love that. I love that. Do you have like a sheet where you can do? Or do you just, you know where you say you could ask these questions continuously? Do you like do you have them somewhere on the wall where they can see it? Or do you just role model it asking those questions continuously? I guess everyone can do that.
Again, I would say I would have this conversation with the child and say what do you think are the end if you need to ascribe to them? Because they're dysgraphic? Or an expression? Like I'm gonna say the same thing over and over and over? Bring it back to the kid ask them where do they want it? How do they want it? What? What's important? Because we want to get them used to doing it on their own?
Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a big mind switch for for many question from a community member from a parent. My kid uses manipulatives to plan his day, every morning. He's getting ready, really good at planning the day but finds it impossible to switch tasks, then get super upset about not getting through everything he planned out that day.
So first of all, thank you for the question, bravo to your child for starting down that executive functioning path and from having that desire, and Bravo to you for recognizing all that stuff. So I'm about to give you gold. This is something I work on with clients every session, and it's a strategy that is mine, and it's called noticing verbs, like action words, verbs, Okay, how many times do we say to our kids a day? Why don't you? Why can't you? Why didn't you you should write, we notice all the things they didn't do. Okay to the kids, we know experience at least 40 times the redirection that a neurotypical kid receives. So what I want you to do is pivot. And notice all the things that they're doing. So with your kiddo for this question, it will be like, Wow, I noticed that you have thought out your day, and you've really concentrated on the things that you want, and the things that you need to get done. I and I noticed that you sat right down and you started the blah, blah, blah. The more you notice what they do, the more they want to do that stuff. And we don't say, I noticed you got right down to work. Thank you, or I'm proud of you. We do not say those words. Why do we not say those words, people? We don't say those words, because that's external motivation. And they're doing it for me, I don't want them to do it for me, I want them to do it for them. So we're going to notice when he the things he does well and right, then, if he gets frustrated, you validate and you say, Hmm, you're disappointed, I can see that you wish you had gotten some more stuff done. Then we're quiet. And we make space for our child to respond. And then we might ask them, how will you do that differently next time, see how we've empowered them. So I've just given you noticing verbs, validate, and reiterate to rhyming words that I teach, validate, and reiterate when you don't know what to do. And you find yourself going into the mode of I want to teach this kid something, and I'm going to show him how to do it, validate and reiterate In other words, validate their feelings, reiterate the facts of what's going on for them, and stop, because that opens up for them. The ability to to relax their herd with understanding comes calm, just saying. And then they can move forward. So one thing I'm going to say is, I want to make sure people know all the social media places to find me because I post stuff all the time, I post stuff in all different ways, articles about what I'm talking about visuals of what I'm talking about, daily. So if you like what you're hearing, just look me up by my name, or with understanding comes com or let's talk to me, and you're going to find all this stuff in the feeds.
So, so love all of that don't have to like could go on forever, just on this topic. So when it comes down, now that you mentioned your social media, what do you help your clients with the most, you know, what, what is their desire? So we can you know, all relate that they want to be coached they like what are they searching for? What are the big problems they overcome? Like, one to overcome? Put it that way?
Yeah, so, um, I would say the number one thing, or the thing that I hear most often from clients is, oh, my God. You understand? Right? Like, I can let it all hang out with you, Julie. And I'm going to positively reframe it. My first, my first client shared with me when her 14 year old ran out of the classroom and how the school freaked out. And everybody was like, Oh, my God, and Pitt judge, parents judge kid, the whole thing. And I looked at my client, and I said, when you see your son Next, give them a high five. She was like, what? And I said he knew what he needed. Did he break anything? Did he hurt anybody? Was he disrespectful? No, he exited? Yes. Do we have to talk to him about how to do that in this mill us so that it's safe and all the grown ups? Don't freak out? Yes. But what a great job. He was overwhelmed and he needed to leave. So I really work hard on being strength based talent, focus, and positively reframing all day long. It's my favorite thing to do. That being said, I give really specific strategies we practice them sometimes I draft for, for parents, whether it's an email or I help them advocate. I have a an idea or a process that I call the cycle for success, Geraldine and it starts with understanding and a foundation of really understanding what tui means and gifted because most people think gifted means smart, right potential that's like this much of what gifted means, right? That's not the gifted experience for the person. So we do a deep dive into what it means then we go into strategies that are very specific for this child. And then we talk about how to advocate specifically for this child. So um, That's, that's one of the things that I do. And I also, you know, I don't really use the word coach at it not that, you know, coaches are great and important, but I feel like what I do is so beyond that, the referrals, and managing have all sorts of comorbidities depending on what is going on for your kiddo. And just making sure everybody's connected, and everybody's having the same perspective, thinking really hard about what's gonna be what's gonna work for this child and the family. The reason why I only work with grownups, which I'm sure somebody out there is having that question, do you work with kids? Because everybody asked that. And I don't, I don't work with kids, because my theory is that I need to circle the wagons of the grownups because they have the power and the kids don't. And I want the grownups to understand that kid, because it's going to be most empowering and raise their self confidence the best if, if all the grownups in their life, know how to help them reframe and understand themselves.
So here's a question. Do you ever have grown ups that are like, help my child, but I don't want to actually do some work on myself? Like, it seems weird. But did you ever experience that?
No, because I don't work with kids. I did have I had. So I have. There's a video on my website, if you go to with understanding homes, calm, calm, and I think work with me and parents, I think it actually is even on the adults page. But it's, it's me talking to kids, because somebody asked, the client asked me to do this. So it's me talking to kids about what it means to be gifted into E, about how you're this big antenna, you're like a spy, and you pick up all this stuff, and how the world affects you and how you affect the world. So one time I had a mom reach out to me and say my daughter really wants to talk with you. And I and she was 16. And I said, I really don't work with kids. And she said, but she saw your video, and she really wants to talk to you. So I knew that this was gonna be a 16 year old girl who was emotionally over excitable and was frustrated socially. That was my guest just didn't my intuition. So I agreed to meet with this girl with mom present. And sure enough, she shared with me her frustrations. And I asked her, you know, when you text your friends, and they don't text you back, or you make plans, and they get changed, is that really hard? Full on weeping, right? Like who gave her words for her experience? Right? So I might, my goal is to raise self confidence and bring out the best and to the kids or to the people if I'm mentoring to the adults. But this is the way the process that I've developed. And it's a very thought through process with very specific strategies and practice and role playing that we do.
So what would what would be a couple like I love the examples for the 16 year olds where you're like, Does this happen? Does this happen? Do you have a couple for those for the parents have to eat? Like what would be two three examples where you won't be like do you have that for that you experience most and where they feel like? Yes, that's so
I'm looking at a new client intake form. And they get this, which gives all of these different areas that I asked about morning routine evening routine emotion regulation, screentime, sensory stimulation, anxiety, these are the things that I asked, What what's going on for you. So dinner time, I even have sitting at the table and eating food separated out because those are things that happen, right that are different. Sometimes we have an issue because our kid isn't sitting at the table, and I'll talk to you talk you through that. Sometimes we have an issue because the child is very food sensitive. We'll talk through that. So, you know, there's a gazillion stories of what parents are trying to manage. And a lot of it has to do with their own expectations of themselves. For sure. spouses and partners sometimes don't agree. For sure, in laws sometimes don't agree. For sure sibling challenges happen. coaches, teachers, clergy, anybody and everybody has certain expectations when you have an asynchronous development in your child, meaning there are these superpowers. And then there are these challenges. And oftentimes the challenges, of course, can be learning differences, but can also be processing speed. They can be working memory, anxiety, social skills. It's like people look at this kid and go, you can't be both. So either the expectations are inappropriately high or inappropriately low. One thing that I've been doing with clients quite frequently lately is working with school teams. I don't do IEP meetings, but I work with teams to understand the profile to understand the specific kid in front of them and then to talk about it strategies. And I had a teacher say to me recently, so wait, wait, you're saying that this child can be gifted intellectually in some ways, but have slow processing speed, right? Like it was like a revelation. So even if you're homeschooling all the people out there you're interacting with, you're in the grocery store and your kid has a meltdown. You're in church or synagogue and your kid something hat or you're on the field, you're trying to be in a group situation, because group situations are really hard for our kid. Right? I'm actually writing up my I write a blog a month, this month's blog, I believe is going to be on to E and PE, physical education to DNP. Why is it so hard?
I love that question. You mentioned before, stuck to my mind about positive reframing? What are the steps to positively reframe a situation? So because you mentioned a lot of parents, right, we should get into the habit of positively reframing. So how do we do that?
So I could throw that back to you and ask you to give me an example for me to positively reframe, but I can also just say, if we have, I don't want to put you on the spot. If we have a typical gifted characteristic, right? Let's say you have a child who's like really frustrated with hat, you know, other kids take waiting for their kids to get what they're learning or they're frustrated, because, and they act out because it's like taking forever, and they say something that maybe is, you know, embarrassing to the parent or whatever the positive reframe there is this kid is a quick learner. This kid needs more deeper, harder information to connect and critically think about, right? So here's the here's the biggest reframe I'm going to give you you're ready, the biggest reframe is instead of focusing on the behavior, the actions your child is doing right now, I want you to focus on the why that underlies the behavior. Behavior is communication, but it doesn't necessarily tell you exactly what's going on for that kid. So when there's a meltdown, over going to dinner at a restaurant that they love, but they didn't know about it ahead of time. And so they're freaked out because it just kind of rocked their world. First we need to validate and reiterate listen to them, ask them how we can do this differently next time and respect that and actually just going through that process might get you to dinner at the restaurant anyway. But like come on, are you kidding at your favorite place? We went there last week why don't you want to go now? Not gonna help I've been there guys so you know I've been there
we all have we all love I love that so where can so so many questions to go looking at the time want to respect your time so where can people find you? What is your your website we'll post it down below guys will also of course you'll see content from Julie from this interview throughout Of course, keep on discussing in this group. So if you have any more questions that you want to have answered, still comment down below and we'll get to that and think and strategize about it as well. So where can where can they go Julie?
Awesome. Thank you. So my main website is with understanding comes Calm, calm. My email is Julie J UL ie at with understanding comms calm calm not the shortest email I know. But anyway. Yeah. And so not only do I do consulting and I have a free newsletter called gifted and distractible that you can subscribe to on my website. But I also produce virtual conferences under let's talk to IE, I have a parent empowerment community or parent empowerment group. And that's also let's talk to me so that's let's talk to me calm but you can even get there through with understanding homes calm and last but not least, to a resources calm. It's the only vetted listing service. It's organized in five categories, educations, clinicians, consultants, associations and enrichment and it's vetted and it's only for gifted into E it's open and free 20 472 resources.com And then on social media, any channel I promise you you're gonna find me look under my name. Let's talk to we are with understanding comms calm and you will find
me awesome. It was so awesome talking with you, Julie. Who knows maybe in the future, we'll talk again. And I wish you an amazing day. You have noon right now. So thank you for being on and talk to you soon guys. Don't forget to comment and send Julia Thank you
Thanks Geraldine thanks for such thoughtful questions I really appreciate it